An ode to you.

I stopped writing after you.

After I tried to pour my heart out and fill the page with how I felt about you. Feelings I have never and may never tell you.

Our friendship is unique. For me at least. I feel intimate with you in a way that I haven’t felt with anyone in a long time. Yet, we haven’t even kissed.
I don’t even know if I want that, or if you do. But I’ve thought about it.

I was afraid of how I felt for you. Traumatised by a past relationship that was built upon emotional bruising, leaving scars in my mind.
There I was saying to myself, “Why have I allowed myself to be here again, with more feelings?”
But I did have feelings for you and I couldn’t run from that. And, I wanted to pack our relationship away into whatever ‘box’ it might fit into so I could explain those feelings. So they could be justified.
Are you my friend, my lover, a potential partner? Yet we’ve never spoken directly about it. I would catch myself mid-daydream – romantic thoughts about you. If I create an ‘us’ in my mind, surely I’ll get hurt.
But I haven’t. And here I am, writing.

Through ‘us’ I am learning.
Re-learning how to conduct a relationship with someone I care about, being good to you and in turn healing myself.
Learning not to place my own expectations upon you. Why should it be fair for one human to expect another to act in a certain way, based only on their life experiences? Blinkered expectation paves a clear path to resentment.
Learning not to apply my generalised view of “Lover Vs. Friend” to us. Perhaps it is possible for us to have patched together some form of hybrid, a relationship unique only to us, understood only by us, respected by us.
Learning not to allow ghosts of my past to manifest themselves within our relationship. You are not him. He does not represent every man. I am so much freer than I was, so much more alive.
Learning that no-ones motivation to love another should be to receive love in return. I feel love when I am with you. Who knows in what capacity but that unknown is precisely my point. It is in giving that we receive.
Learning to love me as separate from anyone else’s perceptions. This feeling re-born within our friendship. Inspired by your unadulterated confidence, nurtured by your compassion and lack of judgement.
Through us, I am learning.

Our friendship, your companionship is healing me from the inside. Encouraging me to boldly carve new pathways in my mind in reaction to old problems. The previous pathways abandoned, eventually becoming overgrown from disuse.

I’m not sure how much of this is about you at all. Yet, through all of it, you’ve been there. A constant presence in my life and in my mind throughout this new chapter of growth and repair.

I hope you can feel it, as we lie in our underwear. Entwined in each other’s arms, cold feet searching for one another’s. Desperate to share our warmth.
I hope you can feel how much I care for you.

“It is in giving that we receive.” – Prayer of St.Francis of Assisi

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